So I have this friend.  She discovered a sex scandal secret within her family. She opened up to the family about her abuse and the abuse of 3 other women in her family.

She found out that this has been going on for a LONG time and the number of victims is up to at least 7. There could be 15-20+ out there (based on past girlfriends, almost all of them having daughters from age 6-16). She found out that there is long family history of abuse. The stories are haunting.

She had no choice but to sever ties with his entire family, many of whom she loves dearly. It sucks that she has to lose 40+ family members while the cold blooded sex offender attends church with them every Sunday and is welcome at a Thanksgiving dinner full of young women and children. It sucks so bad for those little kids running around Grandma’s house.  They will probably never know his history until it is too late.  All because their parents chose to pull the f*&cking wool over their eyes. This same family openly condemns same-sex families (because THAT would destroy the sanctity of marriage), yet openly accepts a violent repeat sex offender into their family.  (This sounds so familiar…wait…oh yea, that big Catholic church sex scandal!)

She is doing really well despite the horrific unfolding.  She is a SURVIVOR!  She feels sorry for the abuser…to have such hate and anger in his soul.  To have such low self esteem that he has to manipulate, control and hurt women and innocent little children.  He could have been abused himself and never had enough strength to work through his own hurt, that he has decided to pass it on to other women.  He is so careless about his abuse that it’s almost like he is begging to get caught.  My friend can do nothing, she is powerless and I am sure he loves that.  Her statute of limitations has expired.  She is not a threat to him.  He has worked for almost 2 decades to damage her character so that if she talked, people wouldn’t believe her.  He kept track of every tiny mistake or bad decision that she has made in her entire life…from her teens on.  He has done the same with most of his victims.  For example, “Oh, you cannot believe a word THAT woman says…do you know what she told me once?” He has admitted abusing my friend to one person, but told that person that “she asked for it, she seduced me, she walked around the house in her towel”.

You tell me what 14 year old girl needs to seduce her father?!  A 14 year old girl can find a horny teenage boy in 2 seconds.  But this is what sex offenders do.  They are good at what they do and they have it all figured out.  They befriend you with their charm.  They start with “I care about you so much. I heard you are having a hard time.  Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.  Do you want to talk about it?”  Then the hugs start…then the hugs turn into really tight, involuntary hugs, where you find yourself blocking contact with your arms because it doesn’t feel right, but it’s a wedding…and you hug people, right?  …then the shoulder rubs…then the back massages.  Then the massages feel a little too close to where the hands shouldn’t be, but maybe you are being paranoid and it’s not intentional.  It can’t be intentional.  Not in MY FAMILY!  That stuff happens to *other* people.  This man has a career, he’s hardworking, has morals, is religious, has a college education, has a lot of friends.  Actually, he’s the typical child molester…just like George.

With kids it starts with the rough housing, spending just a little extra time in the genital area while wrestling on the floor.  The *fun* uncle who is so good with kids, you know.  Wrestling until they get hurt a little and cry, so they can show compassion and console them.  Then the tickles.  Getting them used to feeling good, but tickling them even when they say “stop” or “no”.  (Don’t let people tickle your kids).  Conditioning them for the next involuntary action…when they want to say no, but maybe it feels nice at first and they don’t understand why…and this guy is someone my parents trust, right?  They are little kids.

They offer to take little ones potty.  Offer to help get the little ones down for a nap. Jumping at any alone time with the child…to condition them…to ease them into being feeling like the bad touches are normal.  You notice these abusers don’t know where to put their hands when rough housing in front of the parents, because they have been moelsting children for so long that can’t tell appropriate from inappropriate anymore.  You notice awkward movements…as if avoiding temptation.  You notice they are uncomfortable around kids who run around naked.  (most children do at some point in their childhood, if they are raised in a safe, healthy environment without shame).  The abusers want children to feel that their bodies are inappropriate or “bad” in some way.  That there is something wrong with running around without a diaper for a few minutes.  Making sure that the kids think that the abuser is a responsible adult, who knows good from bad.  They want to be the ones helping teach the kids what is inappropriate and what is not.  So the children know they are a person of integrity that can be trusted…even behind closed doors.  Manipulation.

My friend has reminded me that you can’t judge someone’s character from the outside!!!

This is my last blog entry.  I will have a new blog where I openly discuss my friend’s story of being a sexual abuse survivor.  If you want to follow, let me know.  Otherwise, it will be an anonymous blog.  I will have another private blog with a password, where I share photos and stories of my family (in case my friend’s father or other abuser happens to read my blog).

Child Molestation Research & Prevention

Darkness to Light – end childhood sexual abuse

National Child Sexual Abuse Hotline:  1-866-FOR-LIGHT (1-866-367-5444)

Sex Offender Registry

Be safe friends!

Crazy Like a (Perfectly Normal) Bereaved Parent: In Defense of Rick and Karen Santorum

“Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum and his wife, Karen, have been vilified in recent days for how they handled the death of their premature baby in 1996. Much of the criticism has been uninformed, some of it heartlessly cruel.”

Read the full story here:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live/201201/crazy-perfectly-normal-bereaved-parent-in-defense-rick-and-karen-santorum

$56.99 on that well known auction site and arrived in 1 business day with standard shipping.  It took me a few minutes to find the heartbeat the first time, but now I can find it pretty quickly…and I am able to tell the difference between my pulse and baby.

‎”Our innate need for connection makes the consequences of disconnection that much more real and dangerous. Sometimes we only *think* we are connected. Technology, for instance, has become a kind of imposter for connection, making us believe we’re connected when we’re really not–at least not in the ways we need to be. In our technology-crazed world, we’ve confused being communicative with feeling connected.  Just because we’re plugged in, doesn’t mean we feel seen and heard. In fact, hyper-communication can mean we spend more time on Facebook than we do face-to-face with people we care about.” -Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

I remember, in the hopsital, while I was in labor with Aurora…my doula told me that it would be some time before I felt normal again.  I nodded.  Then she told me that it could be a year or two.  I remember panicking at that moment, thinking….”Oh no…oh no, no, no…we are going to grieve fast and get this over with…I WILL NOT lose a year or two of my life”.

Today, I’m thankful that she shared that with me, at just the right moment.  But it just really sucks.  And I do feel a LOT more normal than I did a year ago…but after those videos, I want it all back, right now.  Right now.  I can do it, briefly, but it’s only a facade.

What she didn’t tell me, was that “normal” would be growing apart from friends, although I am so thankful for new and rekindled friendships that feel so very real.  But getting to know new friends in the middle of this also feels very vulnerable and needy.  I hate being needy. I just don’t have a lot to give right now except quiet time at home, hugs, gratitude and strange (sometimes awkward) conversations.  Too much joy makes me more sad and vulnerable.  I need real.

I feel like I have a couple of choices, be numb and turn into an introvert, fake it until I make it or be real, genuine & sincere.  Being real genuine and sincere is where I have been focusing, but it takes a lot of energy.  Energy to not only continue the healing process for myself, but to continually defend being marginalized and tolerate really hurtful cliches.  Most people that lose a loved one can just grieve openly while receiving compassion & kindness…but even in 2011, stillbirth is a silent, misunderstood suffering for women.  It is a lonely, lonely journey.

I am so thankful for the internet and for “meeting” women going through the same thing.  But it’s also heartbreaking.  Heartbreaking to hear almost every woman experiencing the same difficulties with family, friends and co-workers.  Really, really hurtful, horrible things that women hear every single day.  We have so much in common.  Loss of friends.   Avoidance from family members.  Painful holidays.  Loneliness.  Lifelong depression.  Some have marriage difficulties that have led to separation or divorce.  Stillbirth can destroy people’s lives.  I’m determined to not allow that…but it has eaten pieces of my soul away.  I feel like I am always fighting it…I have to be strong, all day, every day in order to not let it eat any more of my soul.

The one thing that could help the loneliness (besides the futile effort of educating an entire nation full of ignorance) is a really strong, active support group.  But so many women have suffered in silence and learned to stuff it inside, because it’s the only choice that they have.  A support group needs women willing to talk about it…women who have healed (some never do), women willing to re-live their experiences over and over again.  I wish a support group would work, but I’m not so sure.  I’m afraid to find out.  I’m afraid of another disappointment.  Online support groups are great, but a real life, local group could make a difference in so many lives.

I think this is a good topic for my next grief therapy session…

The kids and I did some more nordic crafts on Thursday and prepared gift bags.  Then I took Cameron to the doctor after 3 nights of fevers which seemed to be increasing in severity each night.  Tis the season, right?  He had a double ear infection that the doctor felt strongly that we should treat.  It’s the first ear infection we have ever needed to treat with either of our boys.  That’s kind of wild, really!  We missed a solstice gathering with mamas and friends, but heard it was amazing…with a rare sundog appearing at sunset!

We continued making crafts and preparing for our family Christmas celebration.  We set the season’s music and lit lots of candles.

Santa came to our house last night and delivered the magic.  Peyton left out a huge carrot for each of the reindeer.  He left Santa with Carl’s holiday toffee and a glass of Coconut Milk.  Peyton wore his candy cane striped jammies and Cameron his cozy footie jammies.  The kid’s gifts were packed in well traveled brown paper and wrapped in twine.  I love how Santa’s gifts come tattered from the long trip.

Peyton treasured his metal detector that came from the north pole and Cameron his “bag of trucks”.  Chocolate coins and shortbread cookies were a hit too.  Aurora’s stocking had  a book, knit hat/mittens set and a travel sleepy giraffe.  Peyton hasn’t been able to let go of Aurora’s gifts from last Christmas.  We plan to donate them when everyone in the family is ready.  Peyton seems less attached to this years gifts than last years.  When the time is right, it’s right.

We spent the day immersed in markers, crafts, chemistry experiments, play-doh, moon sand, music, candles, delicious food, microscope slides and matchbox car races.

Beautiful memories.  Peaceful souls.

Peace on Earth & Goodwill to All

I have gone to all of my appointments solo.  I really, really want Carl to hear the heartbeat, but we have not been able to leave Peyton with anyone (friends or family) since Aurora’s cremation and we want to wait a little longer to tell him.  There is a play area at the hospital where Carl and the kids play while they wait for me.

I was presented with the 12 week nuchal fold scan option and I really struggled, because I wanted the ultrasound for size and heart rate measuring, but did not want the crazy screening and the bajillion false positives (and false negatives) that come with that.  My OB told me about a patient that had the testing and was told by two different perinatologists that her baby had a fatal heart condition and would die at or before birth.  It wasn’t until she had a third opinion did she find out that her baby would need 3 heart surgeries after birth.  Baby ended up with 4 heart surgeries and is perfectly healthy and active now.  I know so many personal stories of false positives, including a woman that nearly terminated…whose baby ended up being 100% healthy.

Abortion is not an option for us.  Termination solves nothing.  I think it adds to anxiety, stress and guilt.  There is always the question of “what if” hanging over your head, for the rest of your life.  What if the doctors were wrong?  What if we could have seen the color of our baby’s hair…touched his little nose, gotten a mold of his hand and footprints…had a memorial or funeral for our baby?  I have photographed babies at birth with a variety of fatal birth defects and I cannot imagine those families not having that time with their babies.  Those photos will be forever treasured.  Some families baptized their babies at birth.  Many bathed and clothed their babies.  So beautiful.  Such a healthy way to grieve, to face tragedy and not “make it go away”.  It never “goes away”, no matter how you choose to face it.  Either way it’s agonizing…the loss of a baby.

So we decided not to do the 12 week testing, but thankfully, we were given access to a basic 12 week ultrasound, which is in 2 weeks!

In the meantime I was given a thumbs up for walking and travel.  A repeat road trip to Orange Beach is on our radar.  I have been dreaming of the healing powers of the ocean since we lost Aurora.  Carl is working long hours over the holidays to help make this trip happen!

Why did the Duggars photograph a stillborn baby?

“But today, death – even the death of someone who never got to be born – is not something we handle all that spectacularly in our culture. We hustle through grief; we remove reminders of the person who has gone; we ask people why they can’t just “move on.” But moving on doesn’t mean forgetting; it doesn’t mean obliterating the presence of the deceased in a person’s life.”

But this one is “heartbreakingly beautiful”?